Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
