Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
are you so shy because you have an std?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
