Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
