ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
