so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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