Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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