A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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