Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
