I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
