Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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