the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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