oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
