dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
