I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
