God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
