please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
