don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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