i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
