I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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