At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
