thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
