I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
