I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
