I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
