I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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