Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
