oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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