Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
