I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
