Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
