My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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