I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
