I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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