I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
