Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was like eating out sand paper
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
