Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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