I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
