I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
