Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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