im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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