He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
