she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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