Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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