Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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