My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
