I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
