I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
