I'm lost and stupid without you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
