Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Houston, we have a blender
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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