Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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