I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
