i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
