tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
