Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
