By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
