I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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