hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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